


His Thoughts Composed in Silence

by YancyPants



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Prompt Fic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-18 01:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4686761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YancyPants/pseuds/YancyPants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After shooting himself, Neil falls into a coma. While in that coma, he's given the chance to listen to the people around him and gain valuable insight into the life he's chosen to leave behind. What he hears gives him a great deal to think about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Thoughts Composed in Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Done for quote 20: [You need to wake up because I can't do this without you](http://alwaysbellamyblake.tumblr.com/post/111909165950/send-me-a-pairing-and-a-number-and-ill-write-you)

It missed. He shot himself point blank and still it missed.

Unbelievable.

The bullet that Neil Perry had used to end his life managed to slide through his head leaving barely a trace of the damage it could have caused; the damage he wanted it to cause.

It should have worked. His parents should be crying in anguish over his lifeless body, regretting the day  they decided to ignore his talent, his passion.  He shouldn't be hooked up to various wires and machines in a hospital, the last place he'd ever want to be. He shouldn't be holding onto life, clinging to his last thread of mortality in an ironic twist of events.

It should have worked. He should be dead.

 

 

"He should never have auditioned for that play."

His father is right. He should never have auditioned for that play. He should have stayed at Welton and focused on his studies like the perfect son his father thought he was.

"It's that damned Keating's fault. He filled the boy's head with frivolous thoughts and look at what's happened. "

His father has a point. Mr. Keating was the only person to encourage Neil to follow his desire for something more. And now he's half dead in a hospital bed. Carpe Diem? It feels like a load of bullshit. He's asleep now and with his eyes closed he's subjected to perpetual night. Perhaps Carpe Noctem is more appropriate. Neither seem particularly inspirational anymore.  

"I'll have him fired for what he's done to our boy."

Oh. No wait, that doesn't seem fair.

"Honey he was just-

"He was just following some ridiculous notion from a man that had no business teaching at his school in the first place. He won't have a job by the time I'm through."

His mother doesn't speak up again. Why would she? She's never said anything other than thinly veiled apologies for her husband's behavior. Neil has never heard his mother say anything but sorry all his life. Any other time when he's with her they reside in silence.  

And it's silent again. His parents have stopped talking and it's clear they don't plan to anymore, not even to him. Even in his attempt at death they ignore him, like he's not even there. Just like always they leave him to silence.

Neil wants to scream, to fill the silence but he can't.  He made sure of that with his father's pistol. The comfort of its bang was the last thing he knew he would hear.

Until it wasn't.

"My poor son," his father had said.

"He's alright!" His mother had cried repeatedly, helping his father cradle him.

Did they mean any of it? Neil felt more like a plaything than a son. A life size doll created to achieve his father's dreams. And he definitely wasn't alright. He hadn't been for so long he had forgotten what alright was.

And then Mr. Keating had started teaching at Welton. It was like he had been hired just to help Neil. Like he knew that Neil needed more than just praise for his academic prowess. Keating's class had been the highlight of his day. Especially after the day he had made Todd recite a poem for their homework. Nothing had been more amazing in Neil's life than watching Todd weave his words into scenes of desperation and pain that resolved in insights truer than the statements in his philosophy textbook.

Todd. His roommate. The boy that read lines with him when he wanted to be sure of his cues. His friend, launch initiate of the world's first unmanned flying desk set. The one person that made him feel like he was necessary, needed.

Where is Todd? Shouldn't he be with Neil and his family along with the rest of his friends from Welton? Why is there only silence to comfort him?

"We'll be back, honey. We just have to go talk to the nurse."

His mother speaks for both her and her husband most of the time. So they're both leaving him. Something more important must have come up. Well it's fine that they're leaving. He's not going anywhere but someone ought to.

 

 

"I just think the nurse has a point. He's been asleep for almost a week and nothing's  working. Maybe we should let his friends come visit." His mother is sobbing with every word she speaks. Has it been a week? It feels like it's been only a few hours. It can't have been almost a week. She's exaggerating. And they haven't told his friends? Why not?

"They're just as guilty as Keating. I won't let them associate with my son and corrupt him any further. They think he's dead, best leave it at that."

What?

No. No no no! No, they can't think he's dead not when he isn't! Oh he should never have put that gun to his temple! What is his father thinking?

"What's happening, what's wrong with my son?"

Neil's EKG beeps erratically and nurses flock to his room. His parents are pushed out of the way as they try to stabilize his condition.

"What's wrong with him?"

His father is frantic and getting in the way. A nurse snaps and gives him an answer.

"Your son is depressed and put a gun to his head, that's what's wrong with him! Maybe of you had paid more attention to him instead of everything else, he wouldn't be here, now get out of our way!"

Neil likes that nurse.

The beeping has slowed and things become quiet again. Silence once more.

 

 

"His friends...can come visit if that's what you think is best."

It's not what's best. It's what's right. But at least his father is relenting. If only a little.  

 

 

"How could you do this to yourself, Neil? Why didn't you say anything? I thought things were getting better." Neil listens to Charlie whisper quietly, like he's afraid to wake Neil up with his voice. How strange for Charlie to be cautious, now of all times.

"God, Neil I thought you were just joking..." Meeks sounds meeker than ever. His voice is shaking and each word stumbles out of his mouth like an individual apology. It’s awful and Neil thinks that maybe his friends should have been left to think he was dead. After all he had wanted to die, rather than be trapped by the will of his father. Now he just wants the silence back.

One by one his friends stop by to tell him how sorry they are that they didn’t notice anything was wrong. How awful they feel for not doing something. They’ve all come to express their guilt, except for Todd. Todd hasn’t come at all.

 

 

“It’s not doing anything.”

This time his father is wrong. It’s doing a lot. Having to listen to his friends has made him realize that he should have actually died. He doesn’t deserve this pity, this remorse. At least if he were dead he would have actually earned it. But he’s not even sure he’s sorry for trying, after all no one had noticed when he was alive, why notice now that he’s almost dead? It’s silent again.

 

 

“Come on Todd, just say something. Can’t hurt to try right?”

Todd? Knox managed to bring Todd?

“Y-yes it c-c-can! I’ve b-been here everytime, y-you or Charlie, or Meeks and Pitts have brought me h-here! I’ve heard you all talk to him! He doesn’t want to wake up and I’m tired of coming here, I-I-I, I can’t do this anymore, Knox!”

Neil can’t believe it. Todd’s been there the whole time and hasn’t said anything? Well, he’s leaving now. Neil can hear the tapping of his shoes on the tiled floor of the hospital. It’s heartbreaking. He hears more tapping and thinks that maybe someone has gone to stop Todd from leaving, but he can’t be sure and suddenly the darkness and silence welcome him further into their embrace.

“We’re losing him!”  

It’s another struggle as he’s pulled away from the comfort of silence. The nurses force his heart to keep beating, they force air into his lungs and dammit why can’t they just let him go? He’s done and he’s made his choice. But they bring him back anyway, at least long enough for him to listen to his doctor say what he's been feeling.

“There’s a considerable risk for brain damage at this point. With both the bullet and the lack of oxygen to his brain from cardiac arrest, I’m worried that your son won’t be himself, should he actually manage to pull through this. Maybe you should think about, letting Neil go.”

His mother is crying again after listening to the doctor. Does she do anything else? He wouldn’t know since that’s all she’s done all his life. There are always tears in her eyes, even when she’s smiling. She’s probably not smiling right now.

No one speaks for a long time. Neil isn’t sure how long but he knows that it can’t be a good sign. None of his friends have returned, and perhaps that’s better. The doctors are certain he’s better off dead, just as certain as he had been when he shot himself. And it’s too late to change anything now.

 

 

Warmth envelops Neil's hand. The touch is shocking and sends a wave of light through his darkness. Is someone touching him? No one but the nurses have touched him since he was put into his bed here at the hospital. Who is now?

“Neil…”

Todd!

“I know y-you probably can’t hear me, but I-I… I have to say this anyway.”

The pause Todd takes makes Neil want to scream. It’s another stretch of silence that makes him lose all track of time and ruins his sense of reality. He could use a bit of reality right now.

“Y-your parents aren’t here. I-it’s just us right n-n-now, and I...Oh God…”

Neil needs Todd to keep going. Each time he pauses it feels like days pass and Neil has no idea what time is anymore.

“Everyone wants to believe that if we talk to you, you’ll wake up. Even if you don’t, I just want to tell you that, I...m-miss you. I miss your smile and your voice. I miss staying up late with you to help you run your lines. I miss letting you read my poetry. I miss you so much Neil, why didn’t you tell me? You spent so much time helping me and I didn’t do anything. I’m nothing special but you made me feel like maybe I could be. You’re so brilliant and amazing and now, now you’re not here and everything is so much harder than it was before. I wake up and go to tell you something and you’re not there and I feel so guilty for not stopping your father that night after the play. I should've spoken up but I never do and now I’ll never get to hear you again.”

Another agonizing pause and Neil wants so much to take back what he’s done. He feels like he’s fighting against the high tide of the ocean to get back to Todd and to his friends. To his life.

“Neil, I love you. And life is so horrible without you. Keating’s gone, your father got him fired and we had to help him do it. Charlie got expelled and he’s leaving for military school at the end of the week. Everything is falling apart and I c-can’t fix it. I... I-I'm not you, I can’t keep everyone together especially since Charlie’s going too. I...”

Neil hates this. Hates it so much. Todd needs him and he needs Todd and now neither may get nothing but pain.

“I don’t want to be alone again, Neil.”

Todd’s whispered admissions thunder through the dark and the silence, making Neil realize that he's dragged his friends into this with him. This all encompassing silence that holds him down by the throat and strangles him every time he tries to cry out for help.

“Neil. You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”

The next twenty minutes are a grand frenzy of activity that manages to shock everyone in the room. Neil’s heart rate skyrockets again before hitting that awful plateau that the doctors had been suggesting as the better option. Todd shakes in the corner of the room, doing his best to stay out of the way of the myriad of nurses and technicians that try to resuscitate his friend. Terms like brain death and oxygen deprivation are being thrown about like a tennis ball and Todd wants to crawl out of the window. The commotion dies down briefly when Neil’s heart starts beating again.

A stuttering breath comes from Neil’s bed. The room stills at the sound.  When he gasps and starts choking on the tube in his throat the nurses leap into action once again. One slowly removes the tube while another quickly fill a cup with ice chips. They're checking his pulse and trying to get him to breathe correctly. Todd just watches as they move about the room getting everything in order and then Neil opens his eyes.

"Doctor!"

The man in the white coat barrels into the room to see Neil upright and struggling against the nurses who have restrained him.

"Neil, I need you to calm down!"

Todd cowers in the corner still, not wanting to miss anything, yet also wanting to sneak out of the room. He's never seen Neil like this and he hates it. Neil's eyes are glazed over and he's moaning into the arms of his attendants. When he starts mumbling things slow down a bit again. The doctor pulls out a small pen light and flashes it across Neil's field of vision.

"Pupil reaction is good. Slow but that's to be expected. Do you know where you are?"

Neil just mumbles again and Todd can feel his hope slipping away slowly with each moment. The doctor's face falls slightly but he continues his examination.

"Okay, let's try this. Can you tell me who you are?"

Silence. Neil's no longer mumbling but he looks to be thinking. The fog leaves his eyes and he begins to speak slowly

"...I'm Neil Perry."

Gasps of amazement and cautious relief follow his statement of identity.

"Yes! Very good Neil! Do you know where you are?"

Neil pauses and looks around. The room is bright but he can't seem to recognize where exactly he would find a room like this and he's even less sure as to why he's in it. He hazards a guess.

"Am I dead?"

The doctor shakes his head vehemently, explaining the situation. Neil listens carefully nodding when appropriate and answering every question to the best of his ability. Some of the answers are concerning as it seems Neil can’t remember past grabbing his crown from his room and placing it on the windowsill, but for now everyone focuses on the fact that he’s awake and able to communicate properly.

“You really did a number on yourself Mr. Perry. I want you to be very careful for a while. Now I’ll give these instructions to your parents when they return but I’d like you to know as well.” Neil nods to let the Doctor know he can continue.

“Since you were in a coma for nine days I’m keeping you under observation for seventy-two hours. It's early, so for the remainder of today any time you fall asleep someone will be in to wake you after two hours to make sure you don’t lapse back into your coma. Now either a friend or a nurse or your family can do this, we just want to make sure you stay awake for a bit. So try to warn someone if you're about to sleep.  Now after that we’ll try to have you move around some and get circulation flowing better, you should be pretty stiff right now. We’re going to take this slow and we’ll work to help you manage your pain as that comes but for now I want you to rest.”

The nurses fiddle with things again before everyone leaves Neil to wait for his parents, except for Todd, but no one had seen him pin himself to the corner of the room so they left him there with no fuss. Even Neil seems to be unaware that Todd was in the room. Tears fall from his eyes as he realizes that he is in fact still alive. The thought of seeing everyone terrifies him so much so that he’s unable to stem the flow of tears with his hands. He rubs vigorously at his eyes making them red and puffy to the point where it's obviously painful.   

Neil stops when a pair of hands grasp his own. He sniffles for a moment before lowering his hands and opening his eyes, expecting a nurse or his father to be there.

“Todd…?”

Todd nods and smiles slowly keeping his hands on Neil’s the entire time. He doesn’t say anything he just looks at his friend with tears welling in his eyes. Neil expects him to say something like ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ and he certainly doesn’t want to hear that. He’s not okay and he’s tired of that assumption. But Todd always knows what to say, that’s probably what makes him such an excellent poet.

“Thank you for coming back.”

Neil just sobs harder and Todd can’t help but pull him into an embrace. All the time he whispers “I’m here for you, Neil. I’m here for you. I’ve got you.” But Neil feels like there’s something missing, something that Todd’s trying to convey without saying the words. Neil feels like he’s heard it before but he can’t place it.    

His father charges into the room, a man on a mission, and pushes Todd aside to grab Neil’s face in his hands. He looks at his son before he pulls him into a hug that Neil doesn't reciprocate. Instead he looks at Todd over his father's shoulder and let's the man hug him. It's uncomfortable and makes his skin crawl, but clearly his father needs the catharsis as he's crying now too.  

"I love you son. I love you so much. "

His father holds him close and cradles his head against his chest. Todd watches as something flashes across his friend's  face causing Neil's eyes to light up. He pushes against his father to get him to release his hold. When his father looks at him he doesn't say anything he just forces a smile that Todd frowns at.  

"The nurse told me you woke up. Your mother and I are so glad you're okay."

And there's that phrase. He should have known his father would be the one to say it. Neil lets out a long sigh before responding.  

"I'm tired. I want to rest for a while." He looks at his father expectantly.

"You just woke up, are you sure? You haven't even seen your mother yet."

Neil nods and pulls away from his father completely.   

"Alright son, we'll let you rest," he says slowly, then points at Todd and orders him to leave his son's room along with him but Neil cuts in.

"No. I want Todd to stay. Someone has to be here to wake me up in two hours."

His father's brow furrows in confusion.

"Son, if that's what you need you're mother and I can stay. "

Neil shakes his head.  "You and mother have things to do. I want Todd to stay.  He was here when I woke up so he knows what the doctor wants to do. You should go. "

Neil decides that flabbergasted is not an expression that fits his father. There's an undercurrent of anger and possibly jealousy from his father but he doesn't put up anymore protest to his son's request and walks out of the door without further resistance.

Todd sits in a chair on the left side of Neil's bed. Moving slowly he grabs one of Neil's hands again and says "I'll be here to wake you up, don't worry. "

Neil shakes his head.  "I'm not tired. I just wanted him to leave so we can talk."

“T-talk? About what?” Todd asks quietly looking away from Neil.

Neil doesn’t remember much of anything past the night of the play but he can vaguely remember words from Todd that he wants to hear again, but he can’t just ask Todd to say them, he knows how easy it would be to scare him away, so he puts himself out on a limb instead.

“I love you.”

Todd blanches and for a moment Neil thinks he’s made a horrible error in judgment before Todd surges forward and hugs him tightly. He’s sobbing again and not making any sense but Neil catches a few I love you too’s from Todd and he sighs in relief.

“I thought you were gone. They said you were dead and I thought I’d never get to hear you again. I thought I'd never get to hear you say that.” Neil holds Todd closer and breathes in the smell of his hair. He kisses Todd’s head and squeezes his hand in reassurance. They stay together until a nurse comes in to check on Neil again and change the bandage wrapped around his head.

Neil doesn’t sleep for sometime. In truth he’s afraid that if he falls asleep he won’t wake up again because there is no way that he could be that lucky twice. Instead he stays awake and asks the next nurse that comes in for some paper and a couple of pencils for him and Todd to use.

“Why?” Todd asks when the nurse comes back with the requested items.

“Because I need your help. I want to tell my father how I feel and I can’t do it out loud, but I’ve never been good with words on paper either.”

Todd nods in understanding. “You want me to help you write a letter to your father.”

Neil nods.

Todd smiles briefly and stands up. He leans over Neil and kisses his forehead. He retakes his seat, then takes Neil’s left hand in his, places a pencil in it and wraps his right hand around both, steadying Neil’s hand and the pencil over a piece of paper. He moves their hands together across the page and writes a singular phrase in the title margin.

Carpe Diem.

Neil smiles at the page and sighs wistfully. He looks to Todd and smiles wider just as Todd does.

In the comfortable silence of his room, the two stay close to each other and compose Neil's letter.

 

 


End file.
